Neville Longbottom and the Polar Bear Shaped Scar
by Violet Scarlet Lily
Summary: The first part in "The Dangers of Self-Insertation" series. What if Harry had never been born? Humor, Parody. Better than summary. Please R&R. Written by Lily!


**Welcome to my writers block! Here is a piece for a three part series I am doing...because I have writer's block!  
And so, without further ado, I present to you:**

The Dangers of Self-Insertation:   
Book One: Neville Longbottom and the Polar Bear Shaped Scar

Once, long ago, there was a witch named Lily Evans. Lily Evans was a baby and didn't know she was a witch.

But, her arch nemisis Bob the Builder had to destroy her! So in order to do so, he packed his bags with a wand, lard, hot dogs, the Twilight meets Spongebob DVD pack, and a cherry. He went to her house in the middle of the night because her family had mysteriously disappeared. So he aimed the wand at her, and yelled Avada Kedavra! But since bob is a squib, nothing happened. So he tried to smother her with lard. It failed. He tried to choke her with hot dogs. Fail. He tried to bore her to death with Twilight meets Spongebob. Epic fail. Finally, in his anger and frustration, he threw a cherry at her. She caught it in her mouth. Then she chewed it and swallowed the pit, and it was lodged in her windpipe, and she died. Everyone was sad. So, no letter for Hogwarts came to the Evans family.

Instead, it was sent to a certain Muggleborn named Lily Stonewell, who happens to be a self-insertation. (Yes that is my name). And since I'm in control here, I send flying monkeys on Snape and he is strangled to death. And then Lily Stonewell goes to Hogwarts. Because I am in control, James Potter (my dream guy) falls madly in love with Lily (who is a self-insertation). And you know what happens from there.

But since Voldemort doesn't have two options of which Boy to track down, he sits on the couch, eating sparkly chocolate cupcakes and watching Hannah Montana.

But then he realized that there is still Neville. But he doesn't know about the prophecy because Snape is the one who told him in the really story and Snape was strangled by flying monkeys. So, somehow he knows about Neville, and he goes and tries to kill him, but the same thing happens as what happens in the original Harry Potter series, before the dastardly self-insertation by the author, who happens to be quite insane. But instead of a Lightning bolt shaped scar, Neville has a polar bear shaped scar.

So Neville goes to Hogwarts and actually takes up Draco's offer to join him. So Neville has become The-Slytherin-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Has-a-Polar-Bear-Shaped-Scar. Unfortunately Draco sways Neville to the Dark Lord's side. By the time Draco has successfully done this, Voldie has already married a very amusing girl named Emi, and has twin mini-dark-lords. The Dark Lord is angry that it took Draco so long to sway Neville, a very impressionable (ha ha, big word) boy to the Dark Side (see, his life is like Star Wars).

But in his honor, Voldie throws a dance party. Bellatrix is a wallflower. But as Draco drinks his glass of punch, he drops down dead, because Voldie has put a Mars Bar in it, and Draco is allergic. Not to chocolate or wafers or nougat or whatever is in those things, he's only allergic to them all combined, and only when it's called a Mars Bar. And I know that only makes sense to me, but that's because I'm the author. Basically, if you gave him a Mars Bar and called it a Snickers bar he wouldn't be allergic.

So because of his UNFORTUNATE allergic reaction, dear Draco starts singing "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ELMO'S WORLD! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ELMO'S WORLD! DRACO LOVES HIS Wii, his dark mark too! THAT'S DRACO'S WORLD!" and then he drops down dead of arsenic poisoning, even though no one has seen or heard from arsenic since he went to Vegas with cyanide.

And then Draco's hippie father, Lucius Malfoy, runs into the room in a Superman suit, singing Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie. Narcissa found this adorable and kissed him. Voldemort found this stupid and Avada Kedavraed them both. And then they died of arthritis, even though the Avada Kedavra was cast, it didn't kill them, it gave them Arthritis, and the Arthritis killed them (no offense to people **cough, cough, Winnie the Pooh, cough cough** with arthritis.).

And then, Bellatrix the wallflower got so depressed because Voldemort wasn't noticing her, she tried to drown herself in a toilet. But she transformed into a mermaid! And mermaids breathe underwater. They can't drown. So she tried to strangle herself with devil's snare, but Voldemort saved her because when he was thirty-six he had accidently turned her into a Horcrux.

Anyway, back to Neville. Neville showed up late to the dance party. And once he came, everything went quiet and the room suddenly transformed into the Hogwarts great Hall, except the ceiling was thorns, not the sky.

"Neville Longbottom," Voldy said, "the boy-who-didn't-die-and-has-a-polar-bear-shaped-scar-to-prove-it."

Neville gulped. His polar bear scar started doing a dance on his head.

"Avada Kedavra!" yelled Voldy, but for some strange reason, Neville didn't do anything. Later it was discovered that he was in his own little dream world where he was Zorro and marries the love of his life, Ginny Weasley.

But the Avada Kedavra hit him, and he died and we no longer have a story. These are only some of the dangers of self-insertation.

**So, what did you think? Titles have been confirmed for the next two parts in the series.. They are "The Dangers of Self-Insertation, Book Two: The Day I Died 1000 Times Without Ever Leaving the Train Station" and "The Dangers of Self-Insertation, Book Three: Harry Potter and the Midlife Crisis". If you have any interest in seeing these stories, PLEASE REVIEW! I'M BEGGING YOU! PLEASE!**

**Love always,**

**Lily**


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